new year new me

Like the new look?

Yeah it’s a little basic bitch but I can’t find any themes or crazy backgrounds that resonate with me. So basic bitch it is.

The new year has gotten off to a slow start in a couple of ways. I have started having sessions with my pseudo-therapist sister. The first session I kind of felt like I was verbally flailing because I couldn’t bring myself to talk about things I hadn’t already told her about. I don’t really know how long it’s going to take for me to get to a point where I can start just unloading 100%. I hope sooner rather than later.

I’ve also started to be a little more proactive with my modeling stuff. I’m trying to hustle and land shoots and gigs. Nothing paid quite yet, but I’m still getting TFP shoots (that’s trade for pics btw). Making modeling into a career isn’t a huge priority for me, so I’m not freaking out about it. If I end up being able to do something then cool. Otherwise I’ll do it as a hobby more than anything.

Where I’ve been kind of struggling though is with training. It’s been a bitch trying to get the weight I lost back on (I lost like 10 pounds in a month due to anxiety-related starvation). As of right now I think I’m still hovering around 128, which isn’t where I wanted to be at this point but it seems I have no choice but to start here. It’s tricky because 1) I have a really fast metabolism, and 2) I have no food and no money to buy food.

I’m gonna go ahead and start training though because I don’t have forever. Lifting I do with my boyfriend because he knows what he’s doing and he’s been leading me in strength training. Starting today, however, I’m going to be doing cardio on my own because he’s training for MMA while I’m training for soccer, and those are two very different sports with very different kinds of demands.

So I’ve got a plan, kind of. I’m gonna run Monday, Wednesday and Friday, starting at a half-mile each day for a total of a mile and a half this week. And from a mile and a half, I’m gonna increase by a half a mile. Gradual increasing will hopefully prevent stress reactions. And then Tuesdays and Thursdays I’m gonna do agility and sprint workouts. This is still up in the air, because I play Fridays and I might actually start playing full-field outdoor on Mondays. So I’ll actually be getting a lot of mileage that way.

Honestly what I really need is a planner. I’ve been so incredibly disorganized it’s driving me crazy. And as much as I love to use my phone I can’t stand the calendar app. I remember things better when I handwrite them out anyway.

Today I was pondering running today, starting that half-mile thing. But I hyperextended my knee playing on Friday, and I got stomped on yesterday (yes I played despite the knee thing it was playoffs stfu). Today will be a rest stretch day. That way I’m not totally doing nothing. Maybe I’ll run Wednesday and Friday and sprint Tuesday and Thursday? Or something. I don’t know.

I don’t know why this has been so friggen hard for me to figure it but it’s really frustrating. My brain has been so incredibly fried it’s been hard to stay on top of things and it’s not like me. Well, maybe it is like me now. My brain is just different than it was before. I feel like when I’m now wandering through a mental depression fog I’m freaked out. There’s no normal it feels like. It’s so hard to function and actually function and it’s driving me insane because I once was able to function and now I can’t really.

But so I hope that by getting a planner I’ll have a better time being organized and remember important things to do. I’ve started writing to-do lists in this notebook that I stole from my job (they’re not gonna miss it). It’s something my mom does. And it kind of works for me, but a planner would, at least for me, be more efficient. Or maybe a combination of the two. I guess only time will tell.

Meanwhile I’ll try to be better about updating here. And maybe I’ll change the look again idk. I think I’m just being really lame :’D sorry guys.

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2 thoughts on “new year new me

  1. Now this looks to me like a blank slate, and maybe that’s how you’re feeling right now. I know how you feel with the injury and the weight loss. I seem to have strained something in the vicinity of my obliques and that has sent me back to Jane Fonda. Very frustrating! Anyway, sometimes it takes a while to restart your engine after the new year. But I think, as the year goes on and you are able to take care of the stuff that is getting in your way, things will start looking up.

    Love you! ❤

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