omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg so like remember when I told you here and here that I met a guy and that I was gonna tell you all about him well here it is I’m gonna tell you about him LET’S GOOOOOO–
NO WE ARE NOT ENGAGED JFC.
But he does couples modeling with me so there’s gonna probably be a billion more professional-grade photos of us you’ll likely see whether you want to or not.
His name is Ryan and he is fucking gorgeous I mean
NEED. I. SAY. MOAR.
Obviously that’s not the only reason why I decided to get into a relationship with him. Actually funny story I was fighting my feelings the whole time.
The way we met is literally pure luck. I say luck because he almost didn’t go to his shift at the gym that day I went in, responding to a promo modeling ad on Craigslist. Literally the only reason why I responded to the ad at all was the “free membership in exchange for modeling with us” I was like FUCK YES I’m gonna trade my good looks for a fucking free gym membership. I was searching for a way to get back into shape at little to no cost to me and this was the way.
But I directly met him when he wrapped my wrists to help me get ready for the cardio kickboxing class and he knew PNF stretching even though he’s not an AT or even a health professional or particularly medically trained he just knew it because he’s a gym rat and takes exercise science fucking seriously. I knew he was younger than me, obviously a student (at least to me) but we hit it off and had no problems chatting or joking or anything like that! We exchanged numbers when he told me he was a personal trainer and I asked him if he could help me get in shape for tryouts and he said yes. That was the end of August.
The first time I did a session with him, he whooped my ass. I have never been through a conditioning circuit as absolutely ridiculous as the one he put(s) me through (FUN FACT APPARENTLY I WAS HIS GUINEA PIG FOR HIS WORKOUTS HE’D TURN AND USE ON HIS CONDITIONING CLASS LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO). That day, or rather that night, he gave me a lift to my place, because it was late and it was a half-hour bike ride from there to home and he didn’t like the idea of a young lady riding the city streets by herself late at night. I was grateful for that but what I didn’t expect was the 2 hours spent sitting in his car in my parking lot just talking. Kimmie had no idea I was out there and it was just him and I, talking. And we talked effortlessly about everything. I invited him up for a brief minute, saw him to the door when it was late and went to bed genuinely dumbstruck at how I was able to talk to a guy so easily and for so long. I’d never done that before ever, outside of talking to my mom or sister. And here I was talking to a dude I’d barely known a week for hours.
How? And why was my gut telling me that things were gonna go places with this one? No, no, no I can’t do this. Not again. Not again. You already know what’s going to happen Gina.
My heart didn’t listen and every time he and I hung out, the feelings slowly grew. I never modeled for the gym but I started taking some of the various classes to learn how to fight, to defend myself but also to spend more time around Ryan, who not only worked there but trained there himself (he’s training in MMA). I impressed Ryan with my athleticism and how quickly I absorbed new stuff. He said he hoped one day he’d get to see me participate in a grappling tournament, because I have a lot of potential with grappling. After practice we’d always end up talking for hours and hours and hours. It was common to find us still chatting at 2, 3, 4 in the morning, after 5 when the sun came up, sometimes I wouldn’t get a wink of sleep because I’d stay up with him literally talking the whole night away. The fact that I could talk to him caught my interest.
What kept my interest was that fact that not only could I talk to him, I could talk to him and he would listen. And not only that, but he would hear all that I had to say without judgment. I told him about Daviddle (I call him Daviddle out of disrespect idgaf), about my dad, about Psychoboy, my bitch friends from high school, my stripper days (and some of this stuff I haven’t talked about here but maybe someday I will), so many things. I’ve told him about the PTSD, well actually he’s seen it first hand, he was lying in bed with me the night I had my third panic attack, and you know what he did? He fucking put his arms around me and rubbed my back and it was so soothing and I could hear his voice quietly murmur that I was safe and that everything was going to be okay and all I wanted to do was sob
but I can’t do that because I dissociate andhidemyemotionsaroundotherpeople. I felt so safe in that moment. And I told him about my depression, shown him first-hand how bad it can get. I told him about how deeply I hate myself and how I blame myself for all the shitty things people have done to me. I’ve been depressed to the point where all I could do was lie in a ball motionlessly on the couch and he was there the whole time and he never judged me, never told me stupid shit like “just be happy” he fucking got it and he got me as best as he could and the things he couldn’t get he still tried to at least understand. He let me educate him on the difference between the emotion and the disorder and at no point has he ever invalidated me. He’s never invalidated me.
He listens to me describe my dysfunctional tendencies, doesn’t let it scare him. It’s hard for me to open up. He wants me to open up, he understands why I don’t and doesn’t try to rush me, just stays patient with me. It doesn’t matter what kind of thing I’m going through, he’s been there and so supportive of me, like a rock.
And that basically summarizes his presence in my existence. He has become my rock.
I’m getting ahead of myself though.
My feelings grew a little bit every time I saw him, but I was terrified. Here it was barely a year since Mexico, not even six months since I broke up with Daviddle for good. The memories were fresh in my head and I wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice. But how could I possibly trust my feelings toward Ryan, when the last guy I fell for I made the mistake of staying with him far too long? How would I know if I was correctly identifying the warning signs?
I couldn’t fall for a guy again. I was better off alone.
Then one morning I misinterpreted a situation and ended up embarrassingly rebuffed. I was soooooooooo humiliated omg. I know he didn’t look at me but I could feel how red my face was. Then I found out the next time we had a chance to talk privately that he actually had a girlfriend, and even though they were having problems he was trying to work it out with her and he apologized if he’d led me on. I was crushed, but then again I’d been waiting for the ball to drop since I started crushing in the first place. After all, every single guy I ever liked, with the exception of that shitstain Daviddle, turned out to either be uninterested in me whatsoever or taken. Of course Ryan was taken, he was too great to be single, what was I thinking? Besides that, who’d be interested in a bogged-down basket case like me?
So then rather than a battle against those blossoming feels, it was now a fight to get over him despite the incessant pull towards him and my gut telling me to be patient for this one. It drove me crazy because to me it felt like I was repeating the same old situation from every time before. Why couldn’t I just get it right? Clearly he was in a relationship and despite the fact they were having troubles he wanted to work things out. I didn’t want to be the girl to break up a relationship just to get with the guy after. That’s a shitty kind of person to be. Instead I tried to give him advice on ways to try and work things out.
That is, until he told me about what was really going on.
That was when everything clicked. It’d caught me completely off-guard but in that moment I understood everything. It was clear that she wasn’t good for him, quite toxic as a matter of fact, and he didn’t deserve someone like that in his life. He asked me what I thought of the situation. So I told him my opinion of the situation and said he should break up with her and I said all of that with a clear conscience. Whether or not he and I ended up together didn’t matter to me. What I wanted for him was happiness.
That was mid-October.
It was during that talk that I also found out that he actually had a crush on me himself and had thought about the idea of the two of us, and I was so elated but hesitant. Just because I told him I thought he should break up with her didn’t mean he would break up with her. When he dropped me off, the vibe came off to me as hesitant, and I wondered if he would stay with her after all. I didn’t want to keep my hopes up (because since when have I ever been lucky in this shit?) even though a tiny part of me did keep the hope up that maybe, just maybe, this amazing guy wouldn’t slip away.
We became exclusive a couple of weeks after that talk and I haven’t looked back since.
It’s been a different kind of emotional roller-coaster. I grow anxious and then I’m put at ease. I brace myself in anticipation only to find that I’m just fine and everything’s great.
I was so nervous that I wasn’t ready, that I wouldn’t be able to handle another relationship. I was scared that I was repeating history, but he’s stayed true from day one and that’s been such a huge thing for me. No man has ever stayed in my life. My dad left, my crushes left, and I thought of myself as so defective the only type of guy I could get were the alcoholic asshole types. Ryan is the type of guy I thought I could only dream about. I thought a guy like him would never see anything in me. And every time I voice to him how lowly I think of myself and how I think I could never deserve him, He pulls me close and reassures me that I’m the reason why he loves me.
It still blows my mind how wonderful he is to me. How he loves me in the first place. And just how he’s never criticized me, never talked me down, he doesn’t try to set rules, doesn’t try to manipulate me to changing myself. He accepts me, all of me, all of my baggage. He’s always trying to support me in anything I want to do. He encourages me to try hard, pushes me and comforts me when I need either. I can talk with him about anything and we don’t fight. We just get each other. I always thought these kinds of connections were the things of trashy romances.
It’s been so healing being with him, and I know he’ll continue to support me and help me heal. He’s taught me so much about myself and like… shit I just can’t even put into words all the reasons why I love him the shit out of him. I keep repeating a bunch of the same stuff but I don’t give a fuck. But meeting him has been so life-changing, especially because it was at a point where I was so wounded and reeling from all the shit with Daviddle I felt like I’d been shattered. I was desperately trying to put back all the pieces together while kicking my ex out of my life once and for all. There was a period of some months where I was genuinely fearful and having all kinds of anxiety issues because of him.
Throughout all of that Ryan helped me to feel safe after feeling unsafe for so, so long. Like I said, my rock.
It’s not really a wonder to me why I fell so hard. I’m just forever thankful for whatever forces put him on my path. I love him, a lot actually, and I’m so lucky. I’m the luckiest girl alive as a matter of fact. Fuck you I’m the luckiest girl ever.