a dark place

I’ve taken myself off the Cymbalta as of approximately 24 hours ago.

It wasn’t doing anything for me. Well, that’s not true, it was doing something.

So, I’m sure those of us that have been on anti-depressants know that there are an array of side effects depending on the drug. Lack of appetite, increased appetite, drowsiness, dry mouth, decreased libido, etc.

When I saw my doctor the day she prescribed me Cymbalta, she’d warned me that one of the side effects of Cymbalta was suicidal thoughts, and that if I experienced that then I should stop taking the med immediately.

So that’s why I stopped taking the med.

I’m not really surprised it happened though.

When I came off the Lexapro, I could definitely feel a difference before I stopped taking it and after it cleared out of my system. I went for good to pretty shitty within like three days. When I started taking the Cymbalta, nothing seemed to change for literally the first several days. I accidentally took half the dose the first couple of days. I didn’t really start feeling a difference until around Thursday, maybe Friday of last week.

I thought I was depressed after the Lexapro, but that was nothing compared to how shitty I felt once the Cymbalta started building up in my system. It was awful. I could barely move, all I wanted to do was melt into the couch and stare at my phone mindlessly. It felt like my brain was completely shut off.

Yesterday, after I got home from work, I was just kind of in zombie mode. Wasn’t really thinking about anything, nothing was coming to mind. I was there and that was basically it. I was walking around aimlessly, because I wanted to do or get something and in the process of getting up I promptly forgot what it was that I wanted in the first place. I went into the smoke/Kimmie’s room and as I was wandering around the small space, a thought popped into my head:

“Do you really want to keep living like this for the next 50 years? Do you really think it’s worth it?”

It came out of nowhere. I was feeling low, but I didn’t think I was feeling that low. The last time I had such a strong suicidal urge was when I almost decided to overdose on a bunch of pills. And the feeling that came with that random-ass thought didn’t feel good at all. It almost felt like a lurch towards it, like “Yeah, let’s do it. Fuck it I’m gonna kill myself #500%done.” The urge was uncomfortably strong, and I didn’t like it. Yeah, not everything is going right in my life, but I have reasons to be happy. I have a wonderful man who loves me, and a strong support network in the form of family and friends. My job is exhausting but it’s not that bad and I’ve learned a lot and grown from the experience; even the kids grew on me fml. Why would I want to kill myself right now?

So I took myself off the Cymbalta. Clearly nothing good was gonna come out of continuing to take it. I still need to call my doctor and set up an appointment, which is a pain in the ass because my dysfunctional self used up ALL of my PTO hours having mental breakdowns and the doctor’s office basically opens when I have to clock in and closes basically when I’m barely clocking out. Fuck me.

I’m frustrated. I really don’t like being such a mess. When I was younger I was functional, even if that was unhealthy. Sometimes a part of me wants to go back to pretending like I’m fine all the time. It’d be a lot easier than letting myself be as dysfunctional as I really seem to be. I don’t want to have to go through a bunch of different meds with a bunch of different side effects. I just wish I was normal so I didn’t have to deal with this shit in the first place.

Fuck you dad, for setting me up to get with pieces of shit like Daviddle, who broke me the rest of the freakin’ way.

Like I said before, I came off of the new meds last night. I already feel better than I did this morning, so I bet I’ll feel better tomorrow too. It’ll be a slight reprieve and then I get to experiment some more. Here we go again I guess.

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One thought on “a dark place

  1. When you finally find something that works for you, it’ll have been worth it. I’m glad you decided to take yourself off this stuff. I love you. ❤

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