i swear i didn’t kill myself

I am so god damn bad about updating this and I’m surprised you guys still follow me considering how sporadically I update this shit. There’s a decent amount to catch up on.

After the Cymbalta incident, my PCP prescribed a combination of Bupropion and Buspar. Neither really did much but I told myself I would take those meds and deal with its ineffectiveness til I could talk to someone that actually knew a thing or two about psychiatry. She’s a great nurse practioner, don’t get me wrong, but it’s hard to manage a psychiatric disorder when you’re a family medicine kind of gal.

Enter Dr. Dye, NP. I fucking LOVE her. She has the same energy that I have and she was very down to earth and did a great job explaining everything to me. So now I’m on Zoloft and Bupropion once in the morning, Prazosin and melatonin at night, and Gabapentin three times a day. So far there’s been a difference, but nothing major. I just upped the dose the other day because I could feel some effect but I also could tell that it wasn’t strong enough.

Ryan has been incredible throughout all of this. I always feel absolutely terrible for my anxiety and depression because the negative thoughts I get bother him. He doesn’t like it when I feel like that. He reassures me anytime I bring it up. “I’m afraid that someday you’ll get fed up and leave.” “Honey, I’m not leaving, I love you for you.”

He’s also been so helpful in getting me to the gym. He and I started regularly going in the middle of April. It’s been great because he really knows his shit, and hopefully I’ll be able to explain all of it to you.

So we’ve been working on strength and mass gains. So we’ll do heavy sets on multi-joint workouts, so for example squats and bench press, and we’ll generally do 5 sets of 5 reps (decently heavy stuff), and then we’ll do volume on isolation exercises, like bicep curls and tricep kickbacks, and those are 5 sets of 20 reps (relatively light-moderate weight)

I’ve been making HELLA progress. One of these days I’ll have to take a bunch of transformation pictures and make a post about it, but until then your best bet is to follow my fitness Instagram, @ginaabfit

YES I KNOW IT’S A SHAMELESS PLUG IDGAF.

We hit every major body region; so legs, back, chest, shoulder, arms, abs. I’ve been obsessing the most on my leg gains because I want to be really really strong and powerful for soccer. I’m getting there, I can deadlift 205lbs. two times!

Speaking of soccer, I haven’t actually played in some months. I’ve been dealing with plantar fasciitis since the winter months. It’s 100% my fault — plantar fasciitis starts when you stop stretching your calves. Your calves get tight, the toe flexors tighten up, the plantar fascia tightens up, and then you have pain when you walk and run. I’m at the point where there’s no pain, thank god. But I can still feel how tight my calves and arches are. I need to stretch. The only problem is, I haven’t been.

My depression is worse that I ever realized. I’ve known for a long time that I was depressed, but I didn’t realize how bad it was. It’s been difficult taking care of this. I’m honestly self-sabotaging myself for next year’s tryouts. I need to stop. But I don’t care enough to. I’m depressed.

So hopefully once I get stable I’ll REALLY be able to go after this dream full speed ahead. Meanwhile I’ll do what I can.

After school let out for the summer, Ryan went back to California to spend the summer with family and friends. It’ll be his last summer off because he’ll be graduating this winter time c: but it’s been really rough because I miss the ever-loving fuck out of him and there’s literally nothing I can do. The only thing I can do is distract myself by trying to be as productive as I can (it also helps me feel better). I’ll tidy up the apartment, hang out, run errands. I was worried about going to the gym on my own. Did I know enough to do the workout by myself?

Not only was I worried about that, I was having near-panic attacks because I played with the notion of Daviddle showing up to harrass me when I was at the gym while Ryan was out of town. It was completely unreasonable of me to freak out over it, but no matter what my mind always drifted back to my ex. But despite that panic I still managed to get out the door and to the gym every day that I needed to. I literally got all five days in, and not only that but I fucking killed each workout. I was putting my all in pushing those reps. On my own I’ve been doing maintenance every day. Three pyramid sets — 10 reps, followed by 8 and then 6 — for strength, and then 3 sets of 20 reps for volume.

I just came back a couple of days ago from a week-long trip to Cali actually! I visited with my beau and it was a ton of fun. He is continuing to show me all sorts of spots around SoCal. Sights aside, I was just glad I got to spend that week with him. I’ve missed him like crazy, and despite only being home for like two days I already miss him like crazy ;-;

This week I won’t likely hear much from him, as texting from outside the country is hella expensive :’D but I’m looking forward to being able to chat with him when he’s back state-side, and I’m especially looking forward to a little after mid-July, when I’ll be going back to visit once more before he and I make the drive together back to Arizona.

I’ve taken the weekend off to relax and chill before I hopefully get back into the gym starting tomorrow. I want to make some major gains within the next month — I might actually be going on my first ever cruise next month (!!!) so I want to make sure that I’m looking as bikini-worthy as possible. That and I can’t let the absence of my boyfriend stop me from training and getting stronger. It’s ultimately up to me to do the work and get the results. That and I gotta face my fear of possibly running into Daviddle alone. The couple of times I interacted with him in person was at soccer. And I really shouldn’t anticipate seeing him at all — after all he lives in a different part of Mesa from me and would have no reason to come up to my area. I can’t stay holed up in my apartment because I’m afraid of seeing him; that would mean he wins. Fuck that.

We have a laptop again so hopefully I’ll update regularly (no guarantees there lol).

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